he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough