We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
