I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
