I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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