I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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