Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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