woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
