I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
