remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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