I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
