If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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