he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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