My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
