if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
