What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
