remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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