Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
