What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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