I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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