don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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