I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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