Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
