Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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