i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my shit smells like andre
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
