Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
