Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
