Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
