new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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