True but thats because hes a fetus.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
tonight lets celebrate not being married
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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