Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
