Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
