Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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