How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
