Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
