remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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