Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
