Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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