You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
