i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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