best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ðŸ˜ðŸ’€#pensacolaproblems
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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