I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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