If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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