Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
