We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Never joke about your clitoris.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
