Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We smell like vodka and hangover
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