Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
