and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
