He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
