my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
