I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
