I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
the liver wants what the liver wants
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
