Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
