Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
