Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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