Moan for me like Helen Keller
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
