nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
