I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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