I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
