the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
